3 Christmases...

As much as I love Christmas, I'm kinda glad it's over. Why? Because around here, Christmas isn't just 1 single day....it's 3 days long. And why is that? Because our family is completely dysfunctional and this person doesn't get along with that person and that person isn't speaking with this person any longer. And why bother putting differences aside and being adults about it when, instead, they can feed off the drama every single year? What's a holiday without a little family drama mixed in, right?

Here are some highlights from our 3-day long holiday. Wednesday was Christmas with my sister and her family. The kids had fun with the cousins that they never see even though we live only 10 minutes away from one another. The adults drank wine and the kiddos drank sparkling cider. Good times.

The picture below cracked me up. Tim actually fell asleep while the kids were opening their presents and my BIL looked like he was completely bored.


On Christmas eve day, we met my IL's at their church and the kids did amazingly well sitting through the 90 minute service. Every time I heard a child scream or cry, I took pleasure in the fact that it was NOT one of my kids, for a change.

I forgot to take pictures of the kids opening their presents at my IL's but suffice it to say that they made out like bandits. Lots of toys....which meant lots of tiny pieces with sharp edges that will surely end up impaled on the bottom of my feet at some point.

We got home late and the kids made sure to leave a plate of homemade cookies for Santa, along with some carrots and reindeer food for the reindeer. In the morning, they were pleasantly surprised to see that Santa and the reindeer had eaten mostly everything.


Then their attention turned to the tree and when they saw the presents, chaos ensued.


Each of the kids got exactly what they asked Santa for (and then some).

Yes, that's Garrett...our little Toy Story obsessed child. He's carrying a stuffed Buzz Lightyear doll on his back with a TS backpack, and Woody, Buzz and the rocket ship stuffed in the pocket of the front of the scooter. He rode around the house the entire morning screaming, "To infinity and beyond". More good times.


Bella got every doll imaginable. I believe she has more inventory than Target does now. And her doll house has nicer furniture than my home does. Those freakin dolls even have a piano!!


The one thing she really wanted was one of those Zhu Zhu pets. And they were nowhere to be found in any of the stores around here. But I had entered a giveaway on Clueless Mama's blog and...I won a Zhu Zhu pet!!!

Can you believe that luck?! Bella was over the moon with her new pet, who later received a companion when we went to Toys R Us to buy the kids gifts from my dad and grandma. I found it kinda interesting that they suddenly had some more hamsters AFTER Christmas.

You wanna keep your kids entertained for hours? Buy these pets, seriously.


Cole's theme this year was dinosaurs, Hot Wheels and Wii games. Typical boy.


Landon got lots of cars, trucks and trains. He was a happy boy, although the picture below doesn't really show that.


My mom, stepdad and brother came over that evening to give the kids their gifts and have dinner with us. When my mom noticed that Bella and I were making a cake, she asked, "Oh, is that for me?" I had completely forgotten that her birthday was the next day. But that's okay because she forgot my 40th birthday last April. No harm, no foul.

I said, "No, the cake is for Jesus...we bake one every year to celebrate his birth". She frowned and asked, "No cake for me?" She looked so pathetic and sad so I told her she could share a cake with Jesus this year. This will definitely go down in history....the year my Jewish mother shared a birthday cake with Jesus.



And that, my friends, was the end of Christmas 2009. I'm SO ready for 2010! Bring it!

Sorry I haven't been around the blogosphere much this past week. Hopefully, I can make up for that this week!! Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday with their loved ones!

The Santa Fiasco of 2009

The kids have been asking to see Santa for weeks now, ever since the Del Osso Farm debacle. We finally took them last Saturday, after listening to them whine all day long "We wanna see Santa". Whatever...I just want peace and quiet in the house again. So off we went....

Upon greeting Santa, Bella was the only one willing to sit on his lap, as seen in the picture below. Probably because she noticed the elves were giving candy canes and cookies to the children who were brave enough to get within 5 feet of Santa.


The other kids refused to get near Santa...not even a candy cane could coax them near him. But he followed us outside....because he's creepy like that.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho...I'm gonna get you!
Garrett: I'll spit on you before you can get your sleazy hands on me.
Cole: Maybe if I hold real still, Santa won't be able to see me.
Me: Uh, Cole...only dinosaurs can't see you if you don't move, not Santa.

Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho! What?! No one's got love for good old St. Nick? Is it the way my eyes seem to be boaring into your soul that's got you all freaked out?
Tim: Hey, sweetie, Santa just called you a ho.


Finally, 2 of the 4 kids agreed to sit with Santa. Tim looks like he's trying his best to hold in the nastiest of farts.


Bella: Hey Santa, my parents sometimes say bad words. They should probably be on your naughty list.
Santa: Oh, they do? In front of you kids? That's totally f'cked up.
Tim: One of you kids better come over here and sit on my lap so I don't look like a total loser sitting next to Santa.


Bella: The whole Santa thing is losing its appeal. I just want a freakin' candy cane already.
Santa: Mom, move closer to me. I won't bite...well, not in front of the children, anyway. Heh, heh, heh...
Landon: You're traumatizing me for life, do you realize that? This is so not worth a candy cane. Now, if you promised me my very own room I might be willing to smile.


Balloon guy: Hey lil dude, do you want a candy cane?
Garrett: Heck, yeah!!


Garrett: NOOOOO!!! I want a real candy cane, not a balloon candy cane. You won't be laughing when I come over there and kick you in the shin. I may be little but I can kick your ass.



Garrett: Daddy, why did you give my balloon to Landon?
Daddy: Because you were freaking out saying you didn't want a balloon candy cane.
Garrett: But I want it now that you gave it away. You should know that. I'm 2 years old! It's my sole purpose in life to want things only after I've turned them away.

Me: Landon, close your mouth. You'll catch flies in there if you leave it open too long. Bella, what's up with the courtesy smile? Look happy, for crying outloud. It's freakin' Christmas time, dammit.
Bella: Psssst, Santa....my mom just said another bad word.


Bella: Look, Mommy, I made a friend.
Me: You do know that's a mannequin, right?
Bella: No, she's real. Her name is Karen and she lives at my new house with my sister and my cat.
Me: Hey Tim, remind me to schedule an appointment with the therapist for Bella. She's creating an imaginary family for herself....again.
Tim: Can you blame her?
Me: No, not really.


Thank goodness, the Santa Fiasco of 2009 is over. I wonder what the Santa Fiasco of 2010 has in store for us. Peace out.

* I can assure you that the kids and Santa did NOT actually say any bad words. On the other hand, I can assure you that Tim and I did.

Mommy - the live version of Wikipedia

My kids are very curious. Extremely curious. I love that about them....sort of.

They are tiny clean slates...so inquisitive about the world around them. They spend most of their days shooting off questions to me, left and right....so quickly, in fact, that I can't always think of the perfect answer.

I lay in bed at night stressing about this, wondering if they'll think I'm lame someday because I don't have the answers to some of life's most basic questions. Why can't they ask me simple and uncomplicated questions like "why do cookies taste so good?" and "what exactly is a borderline personality disorder?"

Here's their latest series of questions, along with my weak attempt at answering them...

Why does it rain? Remember when I told you that the angels cry when a child picks his nose? Well, today there must be a whole lotta kids picking their noses.

Where does our poop go when we flush the toilet? It goes into the sewer system...you know, where Roddy St James lives. And I think some of it goes into the ocean...you know, where Nemo and Dori live.

Why is the sky blue? Because blue is God's favorite color.

How did He make the sky blue? With a really big paintbrush.

Who decided that grass should be green? God did...only because he ran out of blue paint

Do boys have brains? So I've been told

Why do people get married? Ask your father

How did God make people? He used a huge batch of playdough

Is God like Superman? Yeah, except He doesn't wear a speedo and tights

What would happen if we never slept? Mommies all over the world would be devastated

Why do we have boogers in our nose? In case you ever get stranded on a deserted island, you'll have something to eat

Does everyone have a butt crack? Yes, everyone except Frosty the Snowman

Memorable conversation of the day:

Bella: Cole, why does that happen?
Cole: Because it happens.
Bella: Oh, okay.

Would you want THIS guy cooking your dinner?

Hi, my name is Landon and I'll be your personal chef today. The special of the day is hotdogs and beans. Don't mind the fact that I'm naked. I can assure you that only my hands will touch your food. No worries about the rainboots either. I just wear those in case there's a sudden leak. I hope you enjoy your meal today at Chez Landon.

This is a repeat post from ages ago. Life has caught up with me and I've been super busy (basically, I lack the energy and talent to come up with something good to blog about right now). I know, I'm slacking. I plan on catching up over the weekend!

Compromising is good...giving in is not

Picture it...

Where: Costco
When: last Tuesday morning
Who: Garrett and Landon

Why: We needed a bunch of stuff from Costco that I had been putting off getting, like toilet paper and paper towels. I figured it was time since the kids were complaining about having to wipe their asses with paper bags.

After being confined in the cart for longer than they had anticipated, the boys started screaming, "Out..out! I wanna walk". So, I let them out of the cart, threatening them with, "You need to stay right next to me or else...."

But the excitement of being set free in an open environment such as Costco was too much for the little guys to bear. Before I knew it, one was running off to the next aisle while one was admiring the numerous packages of sodas. I told Landon, "Come on, we need to catch up to Garrett...and we're not buying soda anyway so let's move on".

He Fuh-reaked (yes, with a capital F). And we're talking not just the "I'm gonna throw my body down on the ground right here and shriek as loud as I can" kinda tantrum. We're talking arms swinging left and right trying to hit me, high-pitched screams coming out of his mouth, "No, Mommy....I mad at you!!" THEN he threw himself on the ground and refused to move.

I said, "Alright, well, I'm gonna go catch up to Garrett. Hope you know your way home".

He didn't budge. Now, he was laying on the ground, screaming and crying so loud that I'm sure everyone in Costco could hear...."Mommy, get back here right now! I want soda! I mad at you!!"

The further I moved away from him, the louder he got. I got Garrett back in the cart and continued to glance back at my precious 2-year old, who was obviously having a bad day.

Two ladies passed by me, while staring at Landon. One said, "In this day and age, it's probably not very wise to leave such a young child by himself".

I smiled politely and said, "He's been tantruming like that for the last few minutes. I'm not giving in to him so I walked away. I can still see him from here, just like you can".

One of the ladies frowned and said, "Yes, but anyone can just come by and grab him".

Trying to keep a straight face, I said, "You honestly think someone's gonna try to kidnap a 2-yr old child who's screaming at the top of his lungs, having a tantrum that badly?! If someone's gonna kidnap anybody, I'd be more worried about that child over there, who's calmly and quietly sitting in the cart, while her mother walks away from her to grab a food sample."

They both looked over to the little girl I had mentioned and they nodded their heads, obviously in agreement. Apparently, I had made my point.

I said, "If anyone was gonna try to take my kid while he's acting like that, more power to them. I can guarantee they'd be bringing him right back, begging for his mother to come to the front of the store and claim him".

I grabbed my cart, with Garrett just sitting there watching this whole thing go down and repeatedly asking, "Mommy, you get Veggie Straws for me?", and returned to Landon, who was still laying on the ground with red puffy eyes. He refused to get back in the cart but he did allow me to hold him.

Compromising is good. Giving in is not. Even if two overly nosy and opinionated women thought I was the most horrible mother in the world.

Memorable conversation of the day:

Cole: Mommy, when I get older who will I marry?
Me: You can marry anyone you want.
Cole: Can I marry Bella?
Me: Uh, no...you can't marry family members.
Cole: Well, you married Daddy and he's a family member.

Cleaning house = Lots of stocking stuffers

I've already gone over budget on Christmas presents for the kids. I do it every single year, much to Tim's dismay.

This year, there is simply no money left for stocking stuffers. But, not to worry, I always seem to have something up my sleeve.

Yesterday, I spent a good majority of my day cleaning house. And by cleaning house, I mean....going through closets clearing them out of clothes that don't fit anymore, cleaning out drawers and cabinets, organizing the garage....you get the picture.

While cleaning, I discovered many things that had either been lost awhile ago or simply forgotten about. Ironically, all these things were small enough to fit into a Christmas stocking...imagine that?

Here's a list of things I found, which will find their way into my children's stockings this year:

-- a new tube of chapstick that I found at the back of my vanity drawer
-- 4 toothbrushes given to us by the dentist, which we had forgotten about
-- 4 tiny tubes of toothpaste also give by the dentist
-- 3 Hot Wheels cars that were under the stove
-- 2 Thomas the Train tank engines that were also under the stove
-- 4 mini bouncey balls I found at the back of various closets
-- a never-opened deck of cards that had been pushed to the back of a drawer
-- 2 Barbie dolls that were behind a dresser
-- a Hannah Montana pen which was on the side of the dryer
-- 4 Pez dispensers from last Christmas which were in a storage bin
-- a handful of pencils and erasers found under the sofa and in cushions
-- several packages of stickers stuffed in the back of a drawer
-- 2 never-opened packages of Lightning McQueen temporary tatoos
-- 2 new bottles of sparkly nail polish in back of vanity drawer

So, you see, cleaning your house can pay off in more ways than you think. Your house will be spotless (for a couple hours, anyway) and you'll have found enough stocking stuffers to fill not only your children's stockings but probably also the neighborhood children's stockings. Throw a couple candy canes in there and call it a day.

Then pat yourself on the back....and cross those two things off of your to-do list. This is my idea of frugal living, at its best.

Memorable conversation of the day:

Cole: Bella, do you think there's a Boogeyman in our closet?
Bella: No, the Boogeyman lives in the sky.
Cole: He does?!
Bella: Yeah...he lives in the sky with the man in the moon and a bunch of shooting stars.
Cole: Wow, that's awesome!

I never said I wasn't immature....

Yes, it's that time of year for the radio stations to be playing tons of Christmas carols! I love it! Nothing makes you feel more festive than holiday music, am I right?

The kids and I have been attempting to make a gingerbread train this past week. I know, right? Like I'm all crafty and stuff? No, it's more like I'm just trying to see how far I can push myself before I need a hefty supply of wine....or serious medical intervention. Whichever works (and gets me out of going to the in-laws' for Christmas eve....ooops, did I just write that outloud?)

So while we were shaping and frosting burnt gingerbread train pieces and crying (oh, wait that was just me crying, not the kids) I had Christmas music playing in the background and when Deck the Halls came on, I started singing along.

The kids were like, "Whoa, you know this song?" Were they serious? I said, "Uh, yeah, I know this song....it's not like it was just recently written by the Imagination Movers or the Wiggles".

I said, "When I was younger, my friends and I would sing the naughty versions of these songs".

My kids wanted to hear them...of course they did, because they are MY kids, after all.

So I started with Deck the Halls...

Deck the halls with gasoline...fa la la la la la la la la
Light a match and watch it gleam...fa la la la la la la la
Watch the school burn down to ashes... fa la la la la la la la
Aren't you glad you played with matches...fa la la la la la la la la

"More, sing more songs...", they cried. And because I'm a horrible role model for my kids, I continued...

"Okay, what else....oh, there's the funny version of Jingle Bells", I said, feeling encouraged to continue being immature.

Jingle Bells, batman smells
Robin laid an egg
Batmobile lost its wheels
And Joker got away

Laughing hysterically, they urged me to go on...but unfortunately, all the other ones I knew were super naughty and seriously not meant for little children's ears.

You know, like Silver Balls, Your Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire, Do You Smell What I Smell, Grandma Got Bent Over By a Reindeer, Rudolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer, Little Hummer Boy and Getting Knocked Up Around the Christmas Tree.

What??!! Don't act like you all never sat around with your friends on a dull and boring Saturday afternoon in the middle of December changing up the lyrics to some of the most popular Christmas songs! And don't lie...because Santa is watching and he knows if you've been good or bad.

After refusing to sing any more songs to the kids, I said, "You guys have to PROMISE me that you'll never sing those songs while you're at school or anywhere else, okay?"

Cole asked, "Why, cuz they're bad?" and I said, "Well, some people don't appreciate humor like we do".

Bella said, "I think the songs are funny and you're funny. You're more like us, Mommy".

I asked, "More like you how?" She answered, "You're more like a kid than a mom".

Yeah...I kinda deserved that. I never said I wasn't immature.

I asked, "Is that a good thing?" and Bella said, "Of course, it's a good thing. Who wants a mom who never makes you laugh?"

Excellent point. Okay, so maybe I won't end up on Santa's naughty list, after all.

Yeah, right.